Time is a concept that has constraints from my perspective. It's not the strange and magical dimension often discussed in science fiction and fantasy with such loose ambiguity, a dimension to be toyed with like a piece of salt water taffy on a stretcher bar. I see it in it's unfortunate corset of limitations, a finite destination. We start, we continue, we are finished. What you learn along the way can only be applied now and in the future. And the regrets you have over things past must be reconciled, as that is all she wrote. The upside is that this linear causality gives us a chance to better ourselves, and to look forward to the changes we must embrace as necessary for thriving.
Knowing this to be true and yet wanting to go back in time and unsay things said, choose a different path, is the struggle I am in the grips of now. It mirrors the struggle that almost always gets me in this situation in the first place, the epic battle between head and heart, reason and passion. What a drag.
I want to not regret, to chalk it all up to experiential learning, but I'd be lying. Hindsight is so cruelly clear, although it sometimes takes a long time for the layers to peel away and the truth of the situation to come to light for me. I'm still discovering bits and pieces about my past that inform me today, so maybe time is less linear than cyclical. I heard recently that time is a flat circle, with events doomed to repeat themselves. Let's hope that's not true..
When this kind of thinking gets to be overwhelming, I get in the truck, drive out to Sauvie Island and stare at views like this one to give myself some perspective. It reminds me of a phrase I read this morning in a road guide to Mt. St. Helens: that nature always bats last. Thank god for that.
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